Letting Go

Everybody says it. Friends say it, songs say it, people who have never had to let go of anything in their lives say it. And almost nobody explains what it means or how you actually do it.

There are two sides to it. One is the skill of putting a thought down, which you learn in meditation. The Letting Go and Control page in the Meditation and Grounding area covers that, the weekly lessons, the shelf outside the room and the reins held lightly. This page is about the other side. The people, the hurts and the old versions of yourself that you are still carrying around.

The two monks

Two monks were travelling together. One was a well known senior monk, the other a novice.

They came to a river with a strong current, and as they prepared to cross they noticed a young woman who also needed to cross. She asked if they could help her.

The two monks looked at each other. They had taken vows never to touch a woman.

Without a word, the older monk picked her up, carried her across the river, set her down gently on the other side and carried on walking.

The younger monk was stunned. An hour passed without a word between them. Then two hours, then three. Finally the younger monk blurted out, "As monks we may not touch a woman. How could you carry that woman on your shoulders?"

The older monk looked at him and said, "Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river. Why are you still carrying her?"

Almost everyone recognises themselves in the younger monk. The thing happened. It was over in a minute. And we carry it for hours, or years.

They still own you

There will always be someone who has caused you grief, trauma or betrayal.

Every day that you hold on to that feeling, they still own you.

You deserve so much more than that.

Think about that. They are off living their life. They may not even remember the day that still keeps you awake. And you are the one carrying it across the river, every single day.

Hate and resentment are like taking poison and hoping the other person gets sick. It only makes you sick. It lowers your energy, and it affects your environment and the people around you. The Hate page goes into that one properly.

Forgiveness is for you. It has very little to do with them. It is you setting the weight down and walking on. And I do understand that some things in life stir up feelings that are hard to get rid of. That is exactly why it helps to know how.

Start by naming it

You cannot put something down if you do not know what you are holding.

Most of us learned a very small vocabulary for feelings. Happy, sad, angry, scared, fine. "I feel bad about my family" gives you nothing to work with. "I feel resentment toward my sister" does. The Emotion Wheel post has a wheel that helps.

Name what you are feeling. Then look for the root of it. What does it look like? Where did it start?

Triggers

Some of what we carry shows up as triggers. Life teaches us to respond to certain situations in certain ways, and some of those responses fire off a strong emotional reaction before we have had a chance to think.

Anger can sometimes feel justified as a response to a situation. I can argue that both ways. What I cannot argue with is how you feel.

Those trigger responses often hold back your spiritual development. Like any learned response, though, recognising and identifying the trigger is halfway to healing it and leaving it in the past where it belongs. The more triggers you release from your life, the happier you become.

You are also allowed to have them. We came here to be flawed, and we will leave flawed. That is part of the agreement. Letting go of a trigger is something you do for your own peace, at your own pace, and it never makes you a better or worse person for having had it.

Letting go of your own past

The hardest person to let go of is often yourself.

People share regret with me almost all the time. A past decision, an action, a thought, a feeling. It is very easy to look back and judge yourself, and to wonder how life would have gone if you had chosen differently. That kind of speculation is self defeating.

You cannot change a past decision. You can change your perspective of it, and how it affects your life from here.

Whatever you decided, at the time you made what you thought was the best decision for the best outcome you could see. Even if you went against your guidance, part of you hoped it would turn out better than the warning said. You did not have the insight then that you have now. The Life Lessons page explains why hindsight is a trap with greasy walls.

Acceptance is your key to be free. Accept that you did your best and learn the lesson. Loving yourself and forgiving yourself is the path forward.

Living in the past keeps you there.

Nothing is permanent

Tibetan monks make sand mandalas. A team of them can take weeks over one, grain by grain, rich in colour and design. Then, once the ceremonies and the public viewing are over, they sweep it away and pour the sand into a river to be carried off. The Freedom of Letting Go post tells it in full.

In life nothing is permanent. Even your body is limited to your lifetime. People are born and die, get sick and get better, move away. Think about the things you once considered permanent that are no longer part of your life. And here you are.

So be thankful for what you have, and give blessings for it. You never know when things will change.

One finger at a time

You do not have to do it all at once, and you do not have to do it dramatically.

Think of a fist that has been closed so long the fingers ache. You do not force a fist like that open. You warm it and let it open one finger at a time. And a hand that stays clenched around the old has no room to receive anything new.

Pick one thing this week. One thing you have outgrown. One habit that is quietly costing you. One story about yourself that stopped being true a while ago. Warm it. Thank it. Set it down slowly.

Some of the biggest releases in a life look, from the outside, like someone quietly cleaning out a cupboard.

The question to carry

If you notice you are holding something because the unknown frightens you more than the pain, the Fear page has a section on the devil you know.

Otherwise, there is only one question, and it is the old monk's.

What was over and done with years ago, on the far bank of some river, that you are still carrying?

You will be your own teacher in this. Only you know what is in your arms.

If you would like this read against your own chart, my readings are here.

Related pages
Helping or Rescuing